hi there!
I'm STÉFANIA
When we begin to observe what our thinking does to our feeling, it becomes apparent that our relationships reflect just how fearful we are of being experienced as whole. What I’ve come to realize along my own healing journey is that you cannot numb pain and hope to experience only love. The entirety of your feelings must be embraced and connected to in order to create and sustain heartfelt intimacy with another. Your wounds are sacred portals to transformation. Your scars hold the wisdom of the Earth and the depth of the ocean. Your heart carries divine codes of creation. Why would you EVER need to suppress the very essence of your being?
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"I had become a master at self-sabotaging and pushing people away before they would ever get the chance to leave me. I thought I was afraid of being hurt,
but the truth is, I was already hurt. I was terrified of being LOVED."
For as long as I can remember, I had always been unsatisfied with myself, my life, and my relationships. I dreamed of the missing piece being romantic love, or perhaps it was my sense of purpose here on earth. No matter what I did or who I was with, the emptiness and lack remained.
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I spent the first 20 years of my life abandoning how I was truly feeling inside. My belief system kept me in a place where I was lost, angry, sad, powerless and stuck. I was constantly operating from a place of fear because I thought that sharing my truth would get me rejected.
I eventually got sick and tired of pretending that I wasn't hurting inside. I longed for true love and craved intimacy, but didn't believe I was worthy of receiving those. I had become a master at self-sabotaging and pushing people away before they would ever get the chance to leave me. I thought I was afraid of being hurt, but the truth is, I was already hurt. I was terrified of being LOVED.
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With the guidance of my coaches Lee & Sherry Patterson, I got to the core root of my deepest wound. Little 1 year old me carried the fear of abandonment since the day her parents got divorced. I suppressed the hurt and grew up thinking that a man I am connected to would leave me before he would ever love me. My mask of strength and ''not needing my father, let alone a man'' all made sure that I couldn't trust anyone. At least, that was my narrative.
I began shedding years worth of conditioning, lies, illusions, fear, addictions, trauma, and what I thought was my identity. I traveled into the depths of my broken heart and sat with EVERYTHING I was feeling without running away. It was uncomfortable as hell but there is no shortcut to healing. It's messy, painful, enlightening, raw, beautiful, divine. I had to breakdown to breakthrough. And in that space I found the missing piece...
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Connection.
It was birthed through love and pain, not a story line about the past or the future. Up until now, I had always wanted to make sense out of my narrative, so I kept choosing relationships that validated my disconnect and trust issues. Had I ever allowed someone to love the real me, what would it have meant? That my beliefs were wrong? That I AM good enough? The truth alone sounded like a threat to my hurt and self-sabotaging tendencies.
I've come to accept that I need both of my parent's love. As a teenager, I had already rejected their many attempts at connecting with me and adult me didn't want to carry any more anger or resentment towards them. I eventually found the courage to tell my father that I needed him then, and still need him now. That simple truth healed something deep within all 3 of us. Can you imagine how liberating that was?
I chose to make the little girl inside of me more important than my fears. That's what she needed most. To put both her armor and her sword down. To be felt, rather than right. To trust her vulnerability. To believe that she can be loved, before she will be hurt. To communicate her truth. Recognizing the depth and beauty within my open heart FINALLY allowed me to embody and receive the divine gift that is love...♡